Harry Potter and the Holy Grail
by The Real Shindou Shuichi
Summary: Insanity erupts at Hogwarts for the Golden Trio's Seventh Year. They are in search of the Holy Grail, an old pair of Severus' thongs. Hilarity ensues as mass parodies of Mary Sues and predictable plot lines are hacked to pieces.
1. Of Magical Thongs and MarySues

Harry Potter and the Holy Grail

It was a bright sunny morning on September the first, and Harry had just woken up in the train station. Harry had been staying in the station all year, as the Dursleys had kicked him out, and his friends no longer loved him. As he brushed the gum and rubbish out of his onyx coloured locks, he placed his glasses over his sparkling emerald eyes, while observing his fine Quidditch-toned muscles. He was smoking a fag in Kings Cross Station, until he saw a Hogwarts student run through the barrier. He realized that it was the first day of school again and stood up, walking to the bathroom stall where he kept his trunk. He pulled Hedwig out of the toilet he kept her in.

"It's going to be a fabulous year, Hedwig," he said in his oh-so-Potterish voice. Of course, Draco Malfoy was in the next stall with Crabbe and Goyle, and overheard Harry talking to himself.

"Mmm… Crabbe… lower… no! Not there! Watch where you're putting your hands, Goyle! Potter, is that you over there?"

"Uh… no. Well, yes. What do you want, Malfoy? A foursome in the loo? To tell you the truth, I'm just not that, well, UP in the morning."

Draco smirked and laughed in his oh-so-Dracoish was. Harry was utterly disturbed and slipped silently out of the loo. Draco, however, failed to realize this, and continued to taunt poor Harry.

"Who knew Potter had a tinky winky? Or are you daunted by my devilishly good looks?"

"Why does everyone make fun of me? It's not fair! My parents are dead, my godfather is dead, my friend is dead, and my former headmaster is dead! It's not my fault that I have erectile disfunction at seventeen! And it's not my fault that I can only get up by kinky bondage! So goodbye, Malfoy, you flatulent ferret-face!"

Harry stormed out of the bathroom and ran through the barrier to Platform9¾. Harry walked through the aisles of the Hogwarts Express, looking for an empty compartment to sit in. He was about to open the door to a compartment when a random girl came flying down the hall and smashed into him. "Ow!" Harry yelled as he was flung backwards onto the floor, his glasses flying off.

"Hi, my name is Kimiko! I am an exchange student from Japan. I came here from the Kyoto Academy for Wizards," said the girl with the pixie-ish, shimmering, golden tresses. She donned a pink skirt with white fishnet stockings, and a long black top with flowing sleeves. Despite all of the colors, her make-up was quite dark. Thick lines of black were painted over her aqua eyes, and the same black color covered her lips. Her pale complexion shone through the makeup as she spoke to Harry.

"I see you have a professor here named Snape."

"Yes," Harry replied. "He's an ugly git and I hate—"

The rest of Harry's words were cut off by another girl running towards them. "Kimiko! There you are!" she said excitedly.

"Who are you?" Harry asked her.

"Oh, I'm a new exchange student from Russia. My name is Anastasia," She replied. She had long, shimmering, raven-colored hair and ultramarine eyes. She wore torn blue jeans and a red bustier.

"Have you heard about the story of Severus Snape? It's quite interesting – that's why Kimiko and I are here at Hogwarts."

"No, I can't fancy Severus being exciting. But go on, I would like to hear about Snape."

"Well," Kimiko started on, "this is the story about how Severus lost his virginity and became a slut. Rumour has it that now he tries to do everything in sight!"

"Yeah, but that's not the point Kimiko!" Anastasia interrupted. "you see, Severus was very frustrated during his adolescence, and couldn't control his urges as many a sheep could attest. Until one day, he got in trouble for fighting with another student named Sirius Black. He was told to go to professor Dumbledore's office. Few people know this, but Dubmledore has a strange S & M fetish. He was feeling particularly lonely and frustrated that day, and took it out on poor Snape. Unfortunately, when Snape left, he forgot his beloved black leather studded thong in Dumbledore's office. Dumbledore did not realize that the thong was Snape's, and started wearing it everyday. Sadly, one day, he was slightly drunk and partied with James Potter. He left the thong there and hadn't seen it since. Because he was so drunk, he forgot where in Hogwarts he left it. Our goal is to seek out this thong and return it to it's rightful owner."

"That seems like a very strange quest, but it sounds like fun. If only it wouldn't remiond me of my poor dead father. sob," cried Harry.

"Oh pack it in! Your father had a secret love affair with mine! I saw them every night walking to the dungeon, and not for torture!" exclaimed Kimiko.

"so then, who is your father?"

"Well, I am the daughter of the Dark Lord Voldemort! But he's really nice once you know him!"

"YOUR FATHER KILLED MY PARENTS!"

"Actually, they died from auto-erotic asphyxiation. They were quite happy when they died, really. And I mean happy in _that_ way," as Kimiko pointed to the bulge in Harry's pants."

"I think Harry has a wee problem! Too bad Sirius couldn't be around to hear this. My dear mother enjoyed laughing at him," Anastasia interrupted.

"So I'm assuming you're a Black?" quizzed Harry.

"Indeed. My mother is Bellatrix Lestrange. Now seriously, Harry, go find Draco or something, your pants are disturbing me!"

"I AM NOT GAY! I just enjoy men as well as women. THAT'S NORMAL!"

Harry stormed off in an emo-ish rage, leaving the girls standing there alone. Harry wandered down the aisles of the Hogwarts Express once again until he found a compartment containing two people who looked oddly familiar.

"Ron! Hermione!" he proclaimed, opening the door.

"Hello Harry," Ron said. "Have a good summer?"

"The usual…except for the fact that I lived in the train station all summer, that's why I couldn't owl you two."

"How terrible," said Hermione. "I read a fabulour book over the summer, and I've read all of this year's texts twice! Defence Against the Dark Arts should be really fun this year!"

"Blimey, Hermione, is that all you talk about? Anyway Harry, I'm sorry to hear about your summer."

"It's okay Ron, how was yours?"

"Absolute rubbish! Ginny has been keeping me up every night because of all the men she's been having in her room! It's terrible! It's like I can still hear the bed shaking and moaning in my ears! Rumor has it, there's going to be a party in the Gryffindor Common Room to celebrate Ginny losing her virginity. I think I'm going to lock myself in my room!"

Harry stared at Ron in awe, wondering how to respond.

"Well, I think that this party is going to be rather fun," Hermione said snobblishly. "I'm bringing bacon and alcohol!"

Ron glared at her, feeling somewhat betrayed. Harry blinked at them random, then sat down across from Ron. The compartment door opened and they all heard a voice say,

"Excuse me, but everywhere else is full. Could we sit with you?"

Ron replied with a "sure".

Harry looked up to see the two girls he had met earlier.

"Aren't you the two girls that I met earlier? Anastasia and Kimiko?"

"Yes"

"Thought so."

"Did you solve your wee problem, Harry?" Ana inquired.

"Er… no. I suppose I should go now." And then Harry proceeded to go to the bathroom.

"Fancy meeting you here, Malfoy."

"You ready to have a go with me? It's about time that you admitted it, because I know you want to! I suppose we should start slow."

And it was over as fast as it began.

"So, Drakie-poo, can you help me in my quest for Sevvie's thong? I must find it! It will bring me magical powers!"

"Harry, why do you need to gain magical powers? You're a WIZARD!" Draco said.

"No, no, not that kind of powers," Harry replied. "Magical _sexual_ powers!"

Draco stares at Harry for a moment, as through considering whether or not to help Harry in mystical quest. He didn't have to think very hard, however. He wanted a taste of these magical powers.

"Yeah, I'll help you.. BUT ONLY because I want to see you in that thong after! Rawr!"

"Well, about that, there are two other girls that are helping us too; the exchange students."

"Ooh, four of us! Kinky!"

"Well, my little love-muffin, I've got to get back to my compartment so no one is suspicious…"

"Suspicious, Harry, I heard everything!" squealed Hermione.

"Herms, what are you doing in the boys' loo?"

"Oh, well, I'm looking for, uh, Draco. We have to, uh, talk?"

"Sure you do… I'll meet you back in the compartment." And with that, Harry winked at Hermione and left.

"Draco," Hermione began. "Rumor has it that you're Head Boy this year."

"Why, yes, I am," Draco replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Because I've been made Head Girl," Hermione stated.

"Bloody Hell, I have to live with you the whole year? This fucking sucks. You're such a bloody nerd. Wait, do you know a lot about Herbology?"

"Herbology! I love Herbology!"

"Okay, whatever. When we get to our common room, I need you to help me grow my Chia Pets… they're special and sensitive."

"Chia Pets?" Hermione questioned. "I never knew you were interested in Chia Pets, Draco."

"Oh yes, they are the sex. I love them. I have a Tweety Bird one." He said with a cheesy grin. Hermione backed away slowly.

"I see…" she said nervously, and then she ran out of the compartment

"Holy mackerel, that child is crazy. I should get back to Harry, Ron and the FESes.

"Hey guys." There was a long pause.

"Er…hi Hermione…what are you doing back here so quick?"

"I wanted to see my friends of course. What's going on in—" she was interrupted by Harry.

"OKAY OKAY! I admit it! Herm, we were placing bets on you. We knew you were going to be getting it on with Draco, but did you use whips or chains?"

"What? We did no such thing!"

"Sure then…what did you do?" Ron prodded.

"We talked about Chia Pets."

"Yes! That's 10 galleons for me!" Kimiko cried. "What?" everyone else said.

"I bet that she'd either deny what they did, or use a clever metaphor. I win!"

"You are all so stupid!" Hermy screamed, running out of the compartment. "I'm not telling you where the Holy Grail is now!"

"Wait a minute," Anastasia said. "She knows where the thong is?"

"I thought it was only us who were bestowed with the secret of the Holy Grail!" cried Kimiko.

"No way, there's someone who's been telling everyone!" exclaimed Hermione. Everyone's glares were focused on Harry.

"Not even! I told Malfoy and…oh," Harry looked down at his shoes.

"What a ho!" Kimiko screamed.

"Indeed!" agreed Anastasia. They promptly stood and left emo!Harry to be left alone sniveling by himself in the compartment.

"Nobody likes me! Look, everyone is leaving the train because of me! Oh wait, we've arrived."

A slightly depressed Harry climbed out of the train and into a carriage to commence a voyage into Hogwarts for a brand spanking new year.

-


	2. Of Hippie Dumbles and Fornication Forest

Harry Potter and the Holy Grail

Chapter Two

"Welcome, welcome to another year at Hogwarts!" Dumbledore proclaimed. All of the children had filed into the Great Hall and the sorting ceremony had finished. Hippy!Dumbledore stood in front of the school (to the surprise and disgust of the children) completely naked. A set of headphones hung from his ears and connected to a tie-dyed iPod on his waist. The Triwizard Cup floated along behind him, and the stench of marijuana emitted from it. "I have a few start-of-term announcements to make." He began to explain the various changes and important things happening around Hogwarts.

"And finally, to whoever stole my stash; I WANT IT BACK! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get high and be a hippy without your stash? Oh, and the Forbidden Forest is no longer forbidden, so new name suggestions are being taken. Ideas already suggested are the "Fucking Forest", the "Fruity Forest", and the "Fornication Forest". Now you are dismissed. Please give your votes to the HB or HG, and they will tabulate the votes. After this, a giant fruity, fun, fornication party will take place in the former Forbidden Forest."

"Wait professor!" exclaimed Hermione. "Who are the Head Boy and Head Girl?" As Hermione said this, a large facetious grin appeared on her face. She already knew that she was the HEAD Girl, but she loved to stir up trouble.

"Oh right, speaking of head…that would be divine...oh, we weren't talking about _that_. The head boy is… TOM RIDDLE! No, wait, that was 50 years ago. What a mistake. The Head Boy is actually, the great, the heroic, the Golden Boy, Draco Malfoy!" Harry Potter, who had just stood up and was grinning, collapsed onto the floor and started sobbing violently.

"Why does nothing work out for me? Why aren't I Head Boy? Malfoy is a slimy git! I have no friends! Everyone is using me! I'm too sexy for my pants! I am a flaming homosexual, but I must deny my passions for Malfoy because I am supposed to be straight! I want to rip my clothes off! AAAH!"

"Well, right-o. The new Head Girl is Hermione Granger. Congratulations to both of you, and enjoy your new quarters. Oh, and as a forethought, there is only one bed in your quarters as the Forbidden Forest has been designated a protected rainforest zone, and we are not allowed to chop down any more wood to make beds. Just thought you'd like to know. DISMISSED!"

And with that, Dumbledore floated off humming, in his birthday suit, "…where did that stash go?" were the last thoughts that came out of Dumbledore's mouth before everyone exited the Great Hall.


End file.
